I have a question

I've got lots of questions for Dr. Helen, but really they all come down to one. How much batshit insane dumbness can you cram into one video? I'm no expert mind you, but I think I've managed to come up with the answer. You'll have to wait for a bit though while we journey deep inside of the video in question. So get ready to read along while I provide a handy guide to the choice craziness in whatever this is.

First we interview Megan who's the self-described world's tallest female econoblogger. Wow! I'll bet people are beating down your door to challenge that one. This is sort of like saying you're the oldest man to get trampled half to death by midgets wearing cleets at 10:35 am. on Saturday, June 20, 2000. You have no real way of knowing if it's true, but really, who gives a damn one way or the other? To be fair, Megan tries to make a joke out of it, and so does Dr. Helen. It's an incredibly lame joke and I'll give Megan credit for realizing that, even though she participated in it, because as we'll see in a moment, she needs all the credit she can get.

She calls herself Jane Galt! Oh boy! And why does she do this? Does she have a deep dedication to Ayn Rand? Nope! She wanted to piss off some dork on the internet! Hey he was calling people to the right of Chairman Mao randroids! She's not into Rand or anything, but this seemed a good reason to try to piss him right the hell off. Then we get into some dumb conservative boilerplate. To be fair, it's apparently because business people have all the courage of a rabbit confronted by a lawnmower, but hey. Pay attention, the lawnmower will come up again. Apparently when the government expands, because we all know if it gets smaller that's only super special awesome!, businessmen get all a-scared and refuse to invest in anything whatsoever until they know "the shape of the government". Personally, a boomerang would be cool. Or maybe a rhombus. these are the same people you can frighten with rumors that CEOs had a heart attack into selling off billions of dollars, it happened with Apple, look it up. That was in one hour, BTW. But remember, the market's all rational and stuff.

Hey how many times have we heard the phrase "going John Galt" so far? If you're not already sick of it, pay attention, it'll get better! But hey, people make a tradeoff between work and leisure, specifically a tradeoff between "taxes and leisure consumption". That's bad for society. Why, exactly? If they're consuming, isn't that good? Don't they have to pay people? Speaking of paying people though, people say Europeans have more leisure than we do.

Good news! Megan says, sure they do! Bad news! Europeans are fucking stupid, apparently! Why? Because they spend a lot of their "leisure time" doing things like mowing their lawns and painting their houses, that we'd pay people to do. Now to give Megan's argument, if you have a heart surgeon, it's not really the best use of his time to have him mowing his own lawn, because that's not what he's best at. Barring the fact that mowing my lawn isn't the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear the word leisure, what's this argument saying? Basically, hey screw you and your leisure buddy, you're best at heart surgery, so get back to work bitch! Europeans, feel free to tell us how all your fabulous leisure time is actually sucked up by random housework and of course, feel free to wax rhapsodic about how much better it would be, if only you could pay somebody to mow your lawn. Say, a neighborhood kid who might want a little spending money or something. Except you probably don't have neighborhood kids, for some reason. They're probably all hooligans who are high on pot anyway, so they'd probably try to mow your lawn in the shape of Bob Marley's head and screw it all up, and then people would make fun of you for having a fucked up Bob Marley head in front of your house.

But here comes the real crazy, Megan's just the warmup! Meet Byron, Lindsay, and Erickch! Yes I don't feel like looking up their names. They're brave because lots of people wrote Dr. Helen saying they can't come on because they might get fired from their jobs and, I quote, "the Obama thugs might get me". Byron pipes up with what "going Galt" means, it's rejecting the philosophy of altruism and that "man is a sacrificial animal". Byron later says he's not a "hundred percenter" Objectivist, never mind that the only people who say "Miss Rand" and spew quotes directly from Rand are all Objectivist nutjobs. Byron's gonna reduce his taxes, legally of course, because he doesn't agree with what's going on and it's immoral. We're not our brother's keeper! Anybody know where that comes from? Anybody know who first proposed that argument? Hint: He's in the Bible and he's trying to riggle out of a murder, the first one in fact!

That's right! Byron's little bit of self-justificatory wisdom is from the Bible! It occurs in Genesis. Yahweh asks Cain, one of the four human beings currently on earth, if he knows where Abel is. This is the first trick question because Yahweh knows perfectly well that Cain beat Abel's brains out with a rock because Yahweh liked Abel's burned sheep better than Cain's stupid wheat offering. He knows this because, to add to the complete creepiness, Abel's blood cried out to him from the earth. So Yahweh says, hey Cain, where's your brother Able? To which Cain replies, roughly paraphrased, how the fuck should I know, am I my brother's keeper? Stupid son of a bitch can go wherever he wants to! That's right, Byron's morality comes from somebody who's trying to lie his way out of a murder trial. But remember kids, when "Miss Rand" says "selfishness", she doesn't mean the common dictionary definition, oh no no no. It's super special awesome "selfishness"! It's "rational self interest"! You know, rational self interest, the thing that was supposed to keep people in the market from making completely moronic decisions that could potentially destroy the economy?

Next let's get to Lindsay! Lindsay's quitting smoking! Is it because it's dangerous for her health? Nope! It's for the children! If those little bastards want free healthcare, they can damn well take up smoking and pay for it themselves! Seriously, watch the video. Lindsay also thinks it's immoral and theft, I presume she means taxes here. Erikcch agrees with Byron, it's all about rejecting altruism and spreading Ayn Rand's morality! Erichkc sounds like a little pussy though with all his "umm .. uh ...", he seems to know he ain't doing shit to "go Galt" in college.

But hey, unlike his robot leftie peers, he takes ideas seriously, he thinks he can grasp things with his mind, and he's like, totally serious! Back to Lindsay again. She started "going Galt" a year ago, no Johnny Come Lately for her. Is it me, or is there sweet sweet irony in the fact that just as she says she's taken herself off of health insurance, somebody coughs up a lung in the background? She feels really good about it all though!

Byron, come on down! What could Obama do to keep you from "going John Galt", he's asked? Byron blathers the fuck on for a while, but basically he could sum up his whole answer with, become a Republican. Oh look, he's not really an Objectivist or anything, but we just got the phrase "mixed market"! Byron blathers some more Objecto-Libertarian boilerplate. Speaking of Byron, he's an "engineering consultant". I'm not trying to throw stones at anybody's job here, but just what does an engineering consultant do? Are there lots of freelance engineers out there just waiting for that call from the city because they need to build or repair a bridge? Byron would probably refuse because it probably involves immoral government money.

Erichck is back again! Do his friends support him? Why golly gee, all his friends and family are in his cult, urr ... I mean, are Objectivists, go figure! If "people seem open to the idea, I explain it to them", gee I think a Jehovah's Witness pretty much said the same thing to me the other day. Back to Lindsay! How does she fill her free time, now that she's not working? She's a web designer BTW. She reads and knits and sews and grows a garden and plays the guitar! She might be a luddite, she's not sure, said in the kind of contemptuous "I don't give a fuck what you call it stupid sheeple" voice that only true hypocrites who absolutely care what you think and are hurt very very deeply when you disagree with them can muster. And hey, she knows this cool donated clothing place run by a church! Why is it she seems happiest about how there's no "record of sale or anything"? That's right Lindsay! You're Dark Angel, and Manticore or Man power or Man Alive We Build Some Hot Sexy Mutants or whoever the hell it is can track you through your used jeans purchases. Fight the power girlfriend!

Byron, remember how he's not really an Objectivist? He might get political, we'll see, but right now he's reading a lot, he's got The Virtue of Selfishness, Capitalism the Unknown Ideal, and Atlas Shrugged. For somebody who claims not to be in the cult, he sure is reading a hell of a lot of the scriptures. Ericckh is all into spreading the ideas of Ayn Rand and being all intellectually active and shit. Students can buy newsletters from him and print them out and leave them around campus.

Hey Lindsay's surprised they got letters about not coming on this wonderful show! Lindsay thinks that's hypocritical and kind of dumb, but wait, she's not done! If you're going to be paranoid, said in a voice that suggests your dumb as a bag of hammers, then what you need to do is like, totally be more paranoid because you should be worried about your email and cellphone and .... So hey, being paranoid is kind of dumb, but now that Lindsay thinks about it, you're not quite paranoid enough, actually! You keep looking out for those agents, Dark Angel, and be careful about coming on shows like this, it might blow your secret cover identity as an unemployed ... urr ... freelance web designer!

Byron and Dr. Helen have a little cuddle about how, hey let 'em come after us, they can't arrest us all! Kecrich thinks college students are all apathetic, and gosh it's hard to be all committed to reason and stuff!

so let's see if we can sum up. The government is immoral, children are freeloading asswipes who should take up smoking to pay for their own healthcare, and the students, who are probably all "lefties" anyway, don't really give a shit about anything. Obama be mad pimpin' with his thugs, yo, and you best be careful what you say lest they come give you some sort of beatdown. Europeans have more leisure time, which they paradoxically spend doing non-leisure things because they don't pay people to do those things for them like we do. We shouldn't do it because we should only do what we're best at like heart surgery, and not dumb leisure things we suck at, like mowing a lawn. We'll just ignore the fact that if we don't get some leisure time we'd probably all go insane, mind you.

I've written enough that I could have just posted this and left out the video link. Some of you may even be familiar with these arguments, in one form or another. But I want you to watch it, and here's why. These are real honest to goodness people saying these things and making these arguments. I am not making this stuff up. So let's see, I said I'd answer my own question. Just how much batshit insane dumbness can you cram into one video? The answer turns out to be, a whole fuck of a lot. I'm no psychologist/psychiatrist like Dr. Helen, but may I humbly suggest that these people, this includes Dr. Helen mind you, seek some professional help? And please, Dr. Helen, I'm asking, nay begging you, please for the love of "Miss Rand" and John Galt and their mongrel bastard capitalist lovechild, don't "go John Galt" until you've given the people who think there are "Obama thugs" who "might get me" out there the serious serious psychological help they so obviously and desperately need? Pretty please? With sugar on top? In the shape of a dollar sign?